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The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens: Anathema dialogue.
INT. ANATHEMA'S LOS ANGELES HOME - DAY - 2007
A beautiful house — practically a mansion — in LA.
ANATHEMA, around ten years old, is sitting at the table. Her mother is bustling about, taking cookies out of the oven. On the table is a book. We look at the cover. It's the same copy of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies that Agnes had sent to her relatives, but 350 years older.
On the table is also a box of well-thumbed index cards. Anathema's mother takes out some cards, and turns one over. On it is a typed prophecy with handwritten notes.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
Prophecy 2214.
YOUNG ANATHEMA
This is boring.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
2214, sweet pea. And if you get it right, there's a cookie for you.
YOUNG ANATHEMA
In December 1980 an Apple will arise no man can eat. That one's stupid, mom. It doesn't mean anything. Why do I have to learn this stuff?
Her mother gives her a cookie.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
My mom bought 5000 shares in Apple in 1980, sweet pea. That's worth 40 million today. Okay. 2213? You remember that one?
YOUNG ANATHEMA
(reciting from memory)
Four shall ride, and Three shall ride the Sky as two, and One shall ride in flames; and there shall be no stopping them: not fish, nor rain, neither Deville nor Angel. And ye shall be there also, Anathema.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
See? She's got special plans for you, honey. Agnes gave us the easy job. We just had to keep everything good for the family. You're the one that's going to have to save the world.
YOUNG ANATHEMA
(disgusted)
And I have to do kissing.
(defensively)
It's in prophecy 1401. I'm not stupid.
INT. ANATHEMA'S LOS ANGELES HOME - DAY
TITLE CARD: TWO WEEKS AGO
Same place. It's eleven years since we first met Anathema. Her mother's waiting at the bottom of the stairs. Anathema comes downstairs carrying a small suitcase.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
You've packed everything you need?
ANATHEMA
Everything I could possibly need, Mom.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
You'll need Band-Aids. A theodolite...
ANATHEMA
I know the prophecies, Mom.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
Do you have a breadknife? Agnes is very clear on bringing the breadknife.
ANATHEMA
They have breadknives in England, Mom.
Her mother looks at her. Anathema takes a breadknife from the sideboard, and puts it into the only open box.
We can see that the room is filled with boxes. Anathema has written what they contain and where they go on the side:
Magazines (assorted). Books (witchcraft). Books (prophecy). Towels and bedlinens (to pink bedroom). Implements (magical) goes to downstairs study. And so on. There is even a nice old bicycle.
Anathema tapes the box closed, decisively.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
I'll probably never see you again, honey.
Anathema is about to argue with her.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER (CONT'D)
You know the prophecies as well as I do. Agnes is always very specific about family. Whether you succeed or fail, I won't see you again.
ANATHEMA
I won't fail, Mom.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
Make us proud of you, honey. Whatever the Beast is, I know you'll be a match for it. Just trust Agnes, and trust the book.
INT. HEATHREW AIRPORT IMMIGRATION - DAY
A bored IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL waves a family on and Anathema steps up.
IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL
AthanEema Device?
ANATHEMA
AnATHema. Old family name.
IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL
Purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom?
ANATHEMA
I'm commanded by an ancient family prophecy. I'm going to use all the witchcraft and wisdom at my disposal to hunt down the heart of darkness then do all I can to destroy it before it brings about the end of the world.
IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL
(tiny bit puzzled, 'did I just hear that?')
... I'm sorry?
ANATHEMA
Vacation.
She brings down the stamp.
EXT. TADFIELD - DAY
TITLE CARD: JASMINE COTTAGE, TADFIELD
TITLE CARD: THURSDAY
TITLE CARD: TWO DAYS TO THE END OF THE WORLD
A small moving van is parked outside Jasmine Cottage. A DRIVER is carrying in boxes of stuff from the van, with Anathema Device, mid twenties, sparky and funny and sensible. It is the most rustic and beautiful cottage that the location manager can find.
INT./EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE - DAY
She is thanking the driver, as he deposits the last box of stuff in her house... empty bookcases, barely furnished...
ANATHEMA
Just put it there. Thanks so much. Here you go.
She gives him money. He wishes he had a line here. He doesn't.
ANATHEMA (CONT'D)
What a gorgeous village. It's like it ought to be on a postcard. Thank you...
The driver goes away, thinking, all these years acting and I don't even get a line of dialogue. Anathema opens the box that she brought, and takes out...
A theodolite — an odd one, with crystals and runic carvings attached to it. A pendulum, a breadknife, the copy of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter we've already seen.
An ordnance survey map of Tadfield, which she pins to the wall, followed by a medieval woodcut-style illustration, cut from an old book, yellowing and scary, connected to the map with a strand of wool: it shows a demonic nightmarish monster, bigger than a house. And it is captioned, in old gothic lettering, Ye Adversarye, Destroyer of Kings, Angell of ye Bottomle∫∫ Pit, Prince of Thi∫∫e Worlde, & Lord of Darkne∫∫.
ANATHEMA (CONT'D)
Right. To work.
EXT. TADFIELD LANE – DAY
On a narrow lane in Tadfield, we see Anathema. She’s taking a siting down her theodolite, her bike propped up against a tree...
We move in on Anathema, who is now making notes on a map of the area on her iPad.
ANATHEMA
Eye of newt and tongue of dog, north by northwest... There. And it’s... southwest...
EXT. HOGBACK WOOD – DAY
Anathema wanders from the village green down the path to Hogback Wood. She’s alternately scribbling in a notebook and waving a pendulum above a map of the village, covered in marks and crosses. She’s depressed.
She sees the kids; they cheer her up a little. They wave.
Anathema marks off another square on her map.
Pepper and Wensleydale go past. Wensleydale is dressed as a witch. Or at least, he’s wearing a pointy black hat made of paper, and he is carrying a broom.
ANATHEMA
Hi guys.
PEPPER
Hi.
ANATHEMA
Nice hat.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, we made it out of cardboard. It’s for our game.
ANATHEMA
Stylish. What are you playing?
WENSLEYDALE
The British inquisition.
PEPPER
Come on, Wensleydale.
Anathema is amused enough that she is following.
Adam is wearing his dressing gown. Brian is a guard. Pepper is wrangling Wensleydale. Anathema looks at Adam.
ANATHEMA
Looks like fun. So, how does this game work?
ADAM
I am Chief Inquisitor of the British Inquisition. Brian is the head torturer. And we’re trying to find a witch.
ANATHEMA
That sounds... very sensible. How do you do that?
ADAM
Watch.
(to Wensleydale)
Art thou a witch? Olé?
WENSLEYDALE
Yes.
PEPPER
You can’t say yes. You’ve got to say no.
WENSLEYDALE
Then what?
ADAM
Then we torture you until you say yes.
ANATHEMA
You’re going to torture him?
ADAM
We’ve built a torturing machine.
He points to a tractor tyre hanging from some ropes, as a swing.
ANATHEMA
It looks like a swing.
Anathema is talking to Adam.
ANATHEMA
Hey. Kid. Can I ask you something?
ADAM
Yes.
ANATHEMA
Are there any... great beasts around here? Or strange things happening?
ADAM
There’s Dog. He’s a beast. Go on, Dog, shake hands.
Anathema looks at Adam’s cute dog, and smiles. Dog offers her its paw.
ANATHEMA
Not really what I was looking for.
ADAM
Hold on. I have to tell them what to do. All right, evil Witch Wensleydale, don’t do it again, and now you get off the torturing swing and let someone else have a turn.
Brian takes the pointy hat from Wensleydale and puts it on his own head as he gets into the swing.
Anathema grins at the display of sweetness in front of her.
ANATHEMA
You kids are hilarious. Okay. I’ll keep looking.
EXT. TADFIELD LANE – NIGHT
Anathema. She’s taking a siting down her theodolite, in the moonlight. She’s lit by moonlight and iPad.
GOD (V.O.)
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
ANATHEMA
Darksome night, / And shining Moon... Oh come on...
And a beautiful glow suffuses the lane. Anathema, semi-unconscious in the ditch, says:
ANATHEMA
How the hell did you do that?
Light vanishes. Aziraphale looks guilty. The Bentley front headlight that was out pings on, throwing some more light around.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
Oh... I think I hit my head.
Crowley has no interest in a young lady in a ditch. He is dealing with the important stuff: walking around the car magically repairing the scrape down its side, the dimple in the bumper.
Aziraphale puts his hand on Anathema’s arm, bent at a strange angle.
AZIRAPHALE
Up you get.
(meaningfully)
No bones broken.
The arm is now at a normal angle. Anathema gets up, a bit shakily.
ANATHEMA
My bicycle.
Aziraphale picks it up and wheels it over to her.
AZIRAPHALE
Amazingly resilient, these old machines.
And it’s as good as new. Or better. It has gears, for a start...
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
Where do you need to go?
CROWLEY
Not giving her a lift. Out of the question. Nowhere to put the bike.
AZIRAPHALE
Except the bike rack. Get in, my dear.
Crowley looks and is pained to see that a tartan luggage rack has appeared miraculously on the back of his perfect car.
Anathema is in the back seat, and Aziraphale, who has gathered up the spilled contents of the bike’s basket, dumps it all (including the BOOK) onto the back seat next to her. Then he hands her a slightly bent breadknife.
She holds it as a weapon.
They drive off, the bike miraculously fastened to the back of the car.
CROWLEY
So. Where are we taking you?
ANATHEMA
Back into the village. I’ll give you directions.
EXT. TADFIELD VILLAGE – NIGHT
ANATHEMA
Listen. My bike. It didn’t have gears. I know it didn’t have gears. Make a left.
CROWLEY
(sotto voce)
‘Oh Lord, heal this bike?’
AZIRAPHALE
I got carried away.
ANATHEMA
You can drop me off here.
The car stops outside Jasmine Cottage.
Aziraphale, beaming, helps Anathema out. She grabs her theodolite, basket, breadknife, etc. Gets out.
The Bike is already miraculously propped up against the garden gate. No gears.
AZIRAPHALE
Oh look. No gears. Just a perfectly normal velocipede.
CROWLEY
Bicycle. Can we get on? Get in, angel.
Anathema heads in to the house as the Bentley roars away.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE – NIGHT
Anathema is in her kitchen, drawing on her map. All her things are laid out around her on the table. She’s got the iPad in front of her. Taps her mother’s icon.
Her mother appears on the screen.
ANATHEMA’S MOTHER
Hi, hon. How’s it going?
ANATHEMA
Lousy, Mom. I just got hit by a car.
ANATHEMA’S MOTHER
Ow. Baby. Any progress in finding the... the whatever it is?
ANATHEMA
The ‘young beast and the lesser beast’? It must be at the north end of the village. I’m certain of it. I just can’t work out where.
ANATHEMA’S MOTHER
Have you used your pendulum?
ANATHEMA
Mom. I’m not a kid. Get too close, the signal swamps me. Further away, I can’t get an accurate fix.
She pours some coffee.
ANATHEMA’S MOTHER
The answers are always in the book, honey. It’s just sometimes you don’t see them until afterward.
ANATHEMA
I just have to think like a seventeenth-century witch with a mind like a crossword puzzle. Okay. I’ll go back to the book...
She looks down at the table, with the stuff she had in the bike basket on it. And she realises...
It’s not there.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
The book. Holy shit. Mom, I’ll have to call you back—
She turns off the iPad and runs out into the street...
EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE – NIGHT
Anathema stands, not knowing where Crowley and Aziraphale are. Or where her book is.
GOD (V.O.)
The trouble with trying to find a brown-covered book among brown leaves and brown water at the bottom of a ditch of brown earth in the middle of the night is that you can’t.
Anathema, with her torch and bike, staring at the ditch, the road, desperate to find the lost book. She is talking aloud to the book.
ANATHEMA
You have to be here. There is no way I’ve lost you. Agnes would have told me if I was going to lose you. She was always very clear on things concerning you. Oh god, I am talking to a book right now, I am talking to a book that isn’t even here.
There’s a beat. And then she breaks.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
Okay. You’re gone. I guess you must be in the back of the car with those... men. But that’s fine. I have the annotated notecards. And I know you by heart. So, I mean. I guess it’ll be okay.
(beat)
It’s not like they’re ever going to figure out what they’ve got.
EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE LANE – DAY
[Adam] stops. And he can hear something. It sounds like someone tearfully angry... And he sees this is JASMINE COTTAGE.
ADAM
Jasmine Cottage! Come on, Dog.
EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE – DAY
Anathema is sitting in the garden, furious with herself. She’s breaking a flowerpot.
ANATHEMA
So stupid. 350 years.
ADAM
Psst!
She looks up, puzzled to see Adam’s face upside down: he’s hanging from a tree, looking at her.
ADAM (CONT’D)
Did the witch catch you? Can I help you escape?
Anathema smiles, despite herself. She shakes her head.
ADAM (CONT’D)
But you were crying.
ANATHEMA
I know... Hello. You’re the kid from Hogback Wood, aren’t you? I’m okay. This sounds so dumb. I... lost a book. And it all got a bit much.
ADAM
I can help you look for it.
ANATHEMA
That’s sweet of you. It’s been in my family for a long time.
Adam clambers down from the tree.
ADAM
I wrote a book once. It was about this pirate who was a famous detective. I bet it was a lot more exciting than any book you’ve lost. Specially the bit in the spaceship where the dinosaur comes out and fights with the cowboys. I bet it’d cheer you up, my book. I’m Adam. I live in Hogback Lane.
ANATHEMA
Thank you, Adam. I’m Anathema.
(shakes her head)
Are you from here?
ADAM
Yup. This is my world. From Hogback Wood to the Dip and from the Old Quarry up to the pond.
ANATHEMA
You haven’t seen two men in a big black vintage car?
ADAM
Did they steal it? Professional book thieves, probably they go around in their car stealing books...
ANATHEMA
They didn’t mean to steal it. They were looking for the Manor, but I went up there and no one knows anything about them.
(remembering her manners)
Do you want some lemonade?
ADAM
Are we going to have to break into the cottage and battle the witch for it?
ANATHEMA
It’s my cottage. I’m renting it.
Adam looks her up and down. The penny drops...
ADAM
Look, ’scuse me for askin’, if it’s not a personal question, but... are you a witch?
ANATHEMA
No. I’m an occultist.
ADAM
Oh. That’s all right then.
They head in to get lemonade.
ANATHEMA
You’re thinking, nothing wrong with my eyes, aren’t you?
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE – DAY
Adam and Anathema are in her kitchen. She’s pouring them both lemonade.
ANATHEMA
All of my family have had occult powers, going all the way back. We can find ley lines.
ADAM
Right. What’s ley lines?
ANATHEMA
Invisible lines of force linking places of power.
ADAM
Amazin’, there bein’ all these invisible lines of force around and me not seeing ’em.
ANATHEMA
And we can see auras.
ADAM
And they are...?
ANATHEMA
A sort of coloured force field around someone. Everyone’s got one. I can look at its strength and colour and tell you how you’re feeling.
ADAM
That’s brilliant. Why don’t they teach us about them at school?
ANATHEMA
School is a repressive tool of the state.
ADAM
Oh. So what colour’s my aura then?
Anathema squints. We look at Adam in ANATHEMA VISION, but no aura manifests about him.
ANATHEMA
I... Adam, I can’t see your aura.
ADAM
You said everybody’s got one.
ANATHEMA
I don’t know, hon. It’s an art, not a science. You’re in great shape.
ADAM
So what else don’t they teach us at school?
A hasty montage, as Anathema starts to explain things to him, but we leave out all the explanations because we do not have time so we just fast forward through the conversation and cut in on significant words in her explanation. All the time she is talking, Adam is RAPT.
ANATHEMA
Clubbing baby seals. // they are cutting down the rainforests so you can get cheap hamburgers. // don’t get me started on global warming. // genetically modified food // whales have huge brains and we are hunting them for no reason// nuclear power stations...
And time is flowing again, as Adam interrupts her.
ADAM
Nuclear power stations are rubbish!
ANATHEMA
Yes! They are!
ADAM
We went to see one on a school trip. Nothing was bubbling and there wasn’t any green smoke and there weren’t anyone wearing those space suits. It was so dull.
ANATHEMA
Well, yes. But we need to get rid of them.
ADAM
Serve them right for not bubbling.
Anathema notices the time...
ANATHEMA
Adam, I have to get back to work. But if you’re interested in any of this stuff, I’ve got some old magazines here. I mean, you don’t have to read them...
She looks around, finds the stack of New Aquarian magazines. One step up from fanzines, the covers have things like CHARLES… FORT, GENIUS OF THE UNEXPLAINED and THE MYSTERIES OF THE TIBETAN SECRET MASTERS and WHERE IS LOST ATLANTIS? on them.
ADAM
Wicked!
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE BEDROOM – DAY
Anathema’s bedroom: the walls are covered with paper notes, and these are connected to a map of the area by wool and thumbtacks. There are magical symbols, notes and all sorts.
The map is Tadfield and surrounding area.
EXT. TADFELD VILLAGE GREEN – DAY
Anathema is walking through the village green, holding a map. She’s looking at the map. Crossing off sections. She has a small pendulum which she’s holding above the map — it seems to be swinging oddly.
We can see a few cheerful village types — A MILKMAN, a COURTING COUPLE, an OLD LADY AND HER GRANDSON. She smiles and nods at them.
Then we see them for a moment in ANATHEMA VISION: each of the people has an aura, a human-shaped coloured glow, around them. The milkman is violet, the courting couple both blue, the old lady green, and her grandson yellow.
R.P. TYLER and his dog SHUTZI go past. His aura is an angry red.
Anathema blinks and normal vision returns.
TYLER
R. P. Tyler. Neighbourhood watch. I couldn’t help but notice, young person, that you have a map. Casing the joint, are we?
ANATHEMA
What?
TYLER
We don’t need your kind here.
ANATHEMA
I’m renting Jasmine Cottage.
TYLER
Oh good lord, you’re an American tourist. Sorry. Thought you were a person of interest.
ANATHEMA
I am. Listen. Eleven years ago, something came to this village. Some kind of beast, or creature. If you’re neighbourhood watch, maybe you noticed.
TYLER
Tadfield is a perfectly respectable village. If you’re going to come here and smoke your fatty spliffers and bimble off to woo-woo land, I suggest you do it elsewhere. Like back in America.
ANATHEMA
Fatty spliffers?
But he has stomped off.
EXT. ANATHEMA’S COTTAGE – DAY
Adam, with the Them behind him, knocking on Anathema’s door.
Anathema opens the door. We can hear Radio Four playing in the background. She looks like she hasn’t slept for a day or two.
She looks down. It’s the kids. She smiles.
ANATHEMA
Hello, Adam.
ADAM
These’re my friends. Pepper and Brian and Wensleydale.
ANATHEMA
Um. Hello.
Adam nods.
ADAM
Have you got any more of the New Aquariums? Cos, we need to know everything.
ANATHEMA
You read the ones I gave you already?
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
Um. Sure. Hold on. Would you like candy? It’s carob, not chocolate, and—
BRIAN
We don’t take sweets from—
PEPPER
Witches.
WENSLEYDALE
I do.
He takes a sweet. The other kids look at each other. They shrug. Then they put out their hands.
As Anathema gives them the carob sweets, we move over to the radio.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, KITCHEN – DAY
Anathema’s phone alarm goes BING. She looks down at the reminder, checks a note card, then goes into the bathroom.
She comes back with bandages, a first-aid kit, and a bottle of aspirin. She lays them out on the table in an orderly fashion.
EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE – DAY
The Them are manhandling the semi-unconscious Newt up the garden path... Anathema comes out to watch them.
ADAM
Anathema! We found a man! He was in a car accident!
ANATHEMA
I know. Bring him inside.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE KITCHEN – DAY
Anathema picks up her first-aid kit. Pepper looks at Anathema, with all the bandages etc. laid out all ready. Pepper puts her head on one side. Dog is hanging around.
PEPPER
It’s almost like you were expecting him.
ANATHEMA
I was. But I was hoping he’d be a bit more...
PEPPER
Hunky?
ANATHEMA
I think that’s a bit sexist.
PEPPER
It’s not sexist to describe our male oppressors as hunky... My mum says.
ANATHEMA
I was hoping he wouldn’t come. If he didn’t turn up... maybe none of it was real. But if he’s here, then the Beast is real.
PEPPER
You mean Dog?
Anathema shakes her head and scratches Dog’s ears. The boys come back...
BRIAN
He’s asleep, Anathema.
Adam is looking around as if he can hear something. Anathema has some of her workings on the wall of the kitchen, and Adam finds himself staring at the picture of the Great Beast, the Antichrist, a demonic monster on Anathema’s notice board.
ANATHEMA
He won’t wake up for half an hour. Would you kids like some sandwiches?
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, BEDROOM
Anathema steps into the bedroom, with a small tray, on it a glass of water and some aspirin, and checks the clock. Looks down at Newt and shakes her head a little. She’d been hoping for something better. She’s also counting down...
Newt is unconscious on the bed. He opens his eyes, groggily. NEWT’s POV – the room slides into focus. And there seems to be someone at the end of the bed.
ANATHEMA
How are we feeling?
Newt looks around the room, puzzled and dazed.
NEWT
Is my car all right?
ANATHEMA
Apparently. You banged your head. Nothing broken, though.
NEWT
I swerved to avoid Tibetans in the road. At least, I think I did. I’ve probably gone mad.
ANATHEMA
If you have, no one’s going to notice. You’re twenty minutes late.
Newt raises his head, puzzled, then falls unconscious again. Anathema shrugs.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, BEDROOM – DAY
Newt opens his eyes. He rubs his head. Everything hurts. His shoes have been taken off...
At the foot of the bed is Anathema. She holds up his wallet and his witchfinding kit. Opens a card...
ANATHEMA
You are Witchfinder Private Newton Pulsifer. Apparently all magistrates are enjoined to give you as much dry kindling as you need to burn any witches, hags or beldames you discover.
NEWT
I’m not actually a real witchfinder. There aren’t really any witches. I’m really... I’m a computer engineer. I just needed something to get me out of the house.
ANATHEMA
I’m Anathema Device. I’m really a witch. And here, you should read this. It will save time.
The storm is rising outside the cottage. Rain lashes the windows. Newt is looking at a card. We can see it has a prophecy typed up on it, and then notes in various hands annotating it. (See the book for examples.) Anathema has put all the cards, in a card-box, on the bed.
NEWT
(reading)
‘When Robin’s blue chariot inverted be, three wheels in the skye, a man with bruises be upon thy bed, achinge his head for willow fine...’
ANATHEMA
That’s you. Your car crash. And the aspirin. Have you ever heard of Agnes Nutter?
NEWT
I’m afraid not.
ANATHEMA
She was an ancestress of mine. One of your ancestors burned her at the stake. Or tried to.
NEWT
Ancestors?
ANATHEMA
Thou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery Pulsifer. It was a religious family. Ten children, named after the ten commandments. Covetousness Pulsifer, False-Witness Pulsifer...
NEWT
If I was called Adultery Pulsifer, I think I’d want to hurt as many people as possible.
ANATHEMA
I think he just didn’t like women. Your family obviously has a tendency to burn mine. I took your matches...
NEWT
I’m not going to burn anybody!
ANATHEMA
I know. Agnes would have warned us if you were. She wrote all of these prophecies in a book, published in 1655.
NEWT
She knew I was going to crash my car?
ANATHEMA
Yes. No. Well, yes. My family has been figuring out Agnes’s Nice and Accurate Prophecies for four hundred years now. You could say we’re professional descendants.
NEWT
So how many prophecies are there?
Anathema points to the card box.
ANATHEMA
Several thousand. It averages out at about one prophecy a month – more now, in fact, as we get closer to the end of the world.
NEWT
And when is that meant to be?
Anathema looks over at the clock. Newt catches her glance.
NEWT (CONT'D)
Oh, come on! The world isn't really going to end today.
ANATHEMA
The end of the world starts here in Tadfield. This afternoon. According to Agnes. I just can't find it.
NEWT
It?
ANATHEMA
The Antichrist. The Great Beast. I've been searching for it. It's impossible to find.
She hands him a card.
NEWT
Where the Hogge's back ends the Young beast will take the world and Adams's line will end in Fire and Darkness... Hogge's back... Hang on. Hog's Back Lane... Adam Young?
Anathema looks at him like she's been hit.
ANATHEMA
What did you say?
NEWT
Adam Young. He lives at 4, Hogback Lane.
ANATHEMA
How did you...? I should have... I didn't see that...
(to Newt)
Adam. That's crazy... He's so sweet... He and his friends carried you here. He's the sweetest kid in the village. He's not the Beast at the end of the world...
NEWT
Um. Why ‘Nice and Accurate’ prophecies? They don’t seem very nice to me.
ANATHEMA
Nice as in exact or precise.
NEWT
Ah. Look, I don’t think the world is really going to end. Why don’t we, um. Go for a walk, and get to know each other.
ANATHEMA
I’m psychic. Trust me. It’s true. But I don’t get it. There isn’t any evil here. Something loves this place, so powerfully that it shields and protects it. How can anything bad start here? But this is where it starts.
NEWT
Okay. So we find this Adam. And then what do we do?
ANATHEMA
Stop him. He’s bringing Armageddon.
NEWT
So we... ask him nicely to stop?
ANATHEMA
I don’t know. Agnes doesn’t say. She goes off on stuff about you and me.
NEWT
Like what?
ANATHEMA
Stupid stuff. You don’t want to know. Hogback Lane isn’t far from here...
Newt hesitates, then puts on his Witchfinder Army jacket.
NEWT
You don’t get tornadoes in England.
ANATHEMA
Prophecy 691. We do today. The wind should drop in a few seconds, then redouble. We’ll have less than a minute to get inside the house and under cover before it starts again. Got it?
NEWT
I don’t bel— yeah, got it.
The wind drops. Anathema catches Newt. They hurtle into the house and slam the door behind them.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, BEDROOM – DAY
Newt is in a post-coital rosy glow, in bed. Newt has a soppy smile on his face. Anathema is getting dressed.
The storm has abated a little...
NEWT
That was. I mean. That was. You were...
ANATHEMA
The earth moved for everybody, then.
NEWT
Yes. You know... I’d never actually, that was my first time...
ANATHEMA
I’d never have known.
But she says it nicely.
NEWT
So. Um. Seeing the world’s ending... Can we do it again?
ANATHEMA
We don’t have time. The storm’s dying down. We have to get going. And Agnes said we only did it this once.
NEWT
She never. She bloody... you can’t tell me she predicted that.
Anathema looks down. Cards blew all over the room earlier, but the right card is sitting waiting for her now. She picks it up and tosses it to him. Then she starts picking up the cards...
Newt reads it.
NEWT (CONT’D)
(reading)
‘You go, boy! May fortune be with you!’ ‘Anathema, my descendent, I trust he will be fine of feature and manly of—’ oh my dear lord.
ANATHEMA
Get dressed.
She starts to pick up the cards. He starts pulling on his clothes.
NEWT
We need to visit Adam Young. And stop him.
ANATHEMA
I’m not sure about that any more. Agnes doesn’t tell us to. If there’s a card with instructions, I don’t know which it is.
NEWT
What do you mean, ‘Agnes doesn’t tell us to’? Don’t you ever just do things? To see how they’ll turn out?
ANATHEMA
Not important things, no. And we now have maybe an hour to go until there’s nothing anyone can do. I’m not going to waste a second of it. Come on.
And Newt looks somehow cockier. He’s growing up. He tosses a balled-up sock into the air and catches it.
NEWT
You can’t let a 400-year-old witch tell you what to do.
ANATHEMA
I’ve spent my life trying to figure out what she wanted me to do. She’s never failed me. Sometimes I fail her. And... I can’t kill an eleven-year-old boy.
NEWT
Not even to save the world?
Anathema shakes her head ruefully.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE – RED SKY, DAY
Anathema is in the kitchen. She’s putting together a basket of things they might need to save the world, including her cards and the breadknife.
Newt comes running in...
NEWT
I’ve got it.
ANATHEMA
Oh yes?
NEWT
If Agnes tells you what to do... and we have to get this right... then you need to just pick a card. Any card.
ANATHEMA
Don’t be silly.
NEWT
I’m not. I’ve had a good idea for the first time in my whole life.
ANATHEMA
I’m not following you.
NEWT
Well, if Agnes is right, and we’re doing all this because she’s predicted it, then any card picked right now has got to be the relevant one. That’s logic.
ANATHEMA
It’s nonsense.
NEWT
You’re here because Agnes predicted it. You say I’m here because she predicted it. Pick a card. Any card.
Anathema gives him a look. She knows this is crazy, but...
NEWT (CONT’D)
‘When the skies are crimson seen...’ – well, she got that bit right – ‘... then ye both must stand between the world of life and the world of war, where the iron bird lands no more.’ See?
ANATHEMA
It could be talking about us. The iron bird lands no more...
NEWT
I guess an iron bird could be a plane. But where don’t they land?
ANATHEMA
There’s an American airforce base outside of town. They don’t land planes there any more. I met some of the guys who work there in the village pub. But why would we go there? All they’ve got left in there is communications technology. Computers and stuff. Nothing explosive at all...
(and then she realises what she’s said)
Oh my god.
EXT. TADFIELD STREETS – DAY
Newt and Anathema are driving in Dick Turpin, Newt’s battered little car. Anathema has her arms full of the cards with the prophecies on them, and she’s been putting them into order. There is storm damage everywhere as they go.
We linger for a moment on the last prophecy of all, 5004: ‘When alle is ∫ayed and all is done, ye must choo∫e your faces wiseley, for soon enouff ye will be playing with Fyre.’
Handwritten notes around it say things like ‘1976 – Could this be a reference to the oil crisis?’
ANATHEMA
... 5003, 5004, and here’s 1011 goes in there and we’re done... Left here.
Newt is cockier, more adult, than before.
NEWT
Do you think that a witch who died 400 years ago actually predicted how we were going to break into an American airbase without being killed?
ANATHEMA
Yup.
They pass the signpost to the airbase.
NEWT
Are you sure? Because they have serious people with extremely big guns guarding these places, and if we don’t get shot trying to break in we’ll spend the last minutes before the world ends in a little room without windows and—
ANATHEMA
I think you’re getting yourself overexcited.
NEWT
I’m not. I’m getting quite calmly worried about being shot and then put in a cell and waterboarded and shot again...
They are at the front of the airbase.
ANATHEMA
‘Behind the Eagle’s Nest a grate ash hath fallen.’
NEWT
That’s all?
ANATHEMA
You know, most of my family thought it was something to do with the Russian Revolution. Go straight on, then turn right at the next road.
(beat)
And don’t worry. Agnes would definitely have told me if someone was going to shoot you.
EXT. LANE BEHIND AIRBASE – DAY
Newt and Anathema pull up in the car. The high, barbed wire, PLEASE KEEP OUT fence has been knocked down by a fallen tree.
NEWT
‘Behind the Eagle’s Nest a grate Ash hath fallen.’ She’s on the money there.
They get out of the car. Anathema is getting witchier. It’s something intangible, helped by hair, make-up and costume: she’s more occult than she’s ever been.
Newt pats his car.
NEWT (CONT’D)
Nice going, Dick Turpin.
ANATHEMA
You really do call your car Dick Turpin?
NEWT
Yes!
ANATHEMA
I bet you’re hoping one day someone’s going to ask you why.
NEWT
Um. Maybe.
ANATHEMA
Right.
She walks over the fallen fence.
NEWT
It can’t be that easy. It really can’t. There’s going to be cameras and guards and...
Anathema points to the camera, crushed by the fallen tree. They walk over the fallen fence. Anathema looks up at the buildings of the airbase: she’s caught the psychic scent of the Horsemen.
NEWT (CONT’D)
Where are we going?
ANATHEMA
There.
NEWT
How do you know?
ANATHEMA
(witchy but certain)
Everything in my life. Everything that Agnes wrote down in the book 400 years ago. Everything... it was all leading me here. Now. With you.
(beat)
I KNOW.
NEWT
And we’re going to stop them, how exactly?
But Anathema is already running towards the communication centre.
ANATHEMA
Oh! Come on!
EXT. AIRBASE – DAY
Newt and Anathema are running through the airbase. They aren’t being shot, because all the soldiers they pass are fast asleep.
NEWT
Where exactly are we going?
ANATHEMA
Sshh.
Ahead of them, a door opens. The Four Horsemen come out.
ANATHEMA VISION: we see the Horsemen through Anathema’s eyes, and their auras are black, purple, pulsing things, like migraines onscreen.
Anathema screws up her eyes, puts her hand up to shield them, as if looking at the Horsemen hurts her eyes.
Newt pulls her back against the building to avoid being seen. Anathema points to the open door the Horsemen came through.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
In there.
Newt looks puzzled.
NEWT
Really?
Anathema is certain.
They go inside.
INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
Newt and Anathema look around at the screens and the room, at the unconscious workers.
NEWT
Those people. Do you think they were terrorists?
ANATHEMA
In a very nice and accurate way. Yes. You should have seen their auras.
NEWT
Was there a problem with them?
ANATHEMA
Negative auras. Like black holes. I don’t think they were entirely human.
There are SCREENS with upset people on them, mouthing silently.
NEWT
If only we knew what they were saying.
Anathema picks up a remote control and turns the volume up.
ANATHEMA
We’re at war. Everyone’s at war. But we have to be able to do something.
NEWT
We aren’t in a movie. There’s no handy red wire to cut to make the countdown stop. And there isn’t even a proper countdown...
ANATHEMA
You’re a computer engineer. These are computers. Make them stop.
NEWT
It doesn’t work like that!
ANATHEMA
Agnes. You got any ideas?
She grabs a card randomly.
NEWT
You can’t shut down twenty-first century technology with a seventeenth-century random prediction.
ANATHEMA
‘He is not what he says he is.’ Agnes, you aren’t trying. What does that even mean?
Newt looks guilty.
NEWT
I don’t know.
ANATHEMA
What? Tell me!
NEWT
I think it’s about me.
Anathema looks at him and makes a ‘we don’t have much time – go on?’ gesture.
NEWT (CONT’D)
I’m... not really a computer engineer. I want to be. I’m actually just...
ANATHEMA
Just what?
NEWT
Just the opposite. I’m rubbish with computers. When I try and make them work, they break. I’m sorry. We’re doomed.
Anathema stops and thinks. Then she grins.
ANATHEMA
We’re idiots. Look. Repair it.
NEWT
What?
ANATHEMA
Get this computer room working better. Right now. You say every computer you try and fix dies. So fix it.
NEWT
And speed up nuclear armageddon?
ANATHEMA
Could you? Speed it up?
ANATHEMA
You! You were the men in the car. You stole my book.
CROWLEY
Book girl! Catch!
Crowley tosses her the charcoal remnants of Agnes’s book. A much-burned page flutters out as the book is tossed, and blows over to Aziraphale, who catches it, and glances down at it.
The fragment says: When alle is ∫ayed and all is done, ye must choo∫e your faces wiseley, for soon enouff ye will be playing with Fyre.
ANATHEMA
What’s going on out here?
CROWLEY
Long story. No time.
ANATHEMA
Try me.
Aziraphale pockets the fragment, and steps forward.
AZIRAPHALE
Ah, okay, so, in the beginning, in the Garden, there was, well, he was a wily old serpent and I was technically on apple tree duty...
Crowley touches his finger to his lips. Aziraphale shuts up. Anathema sees Adam.
ANATHEMA
Hi, Adam. Hi, Pepper. Hi, you two.
ADAM
Hello, Anathema. You just stopped them blowing up the world, didn’t you?
ANATHEMA
I guess. My boyfriend here did the tricky bit.
Newt starts to make a self-deprecating shrug, then realises what she just said.
NEWT
Boyfriend?
NEWT
Perhaps it’s a volcano.
ANATHEMA
There aren’t any volcanoes in England. It’s really angry, whatever it is. I can feel it... it’s getting closer...
NEWT
Good morning.
ANATHEMA
Good morning. I’m going to regret asking this, but... I’m going to ask. Why is your car called Dick Turpin?
NEWT
Dick Turpin was a famous highwayman. It’s a sort of joke.
ANATHEMA
Yes?
NEWT
It’s called Dick Turpin because everywhere it goes it holds up traffic.
ANATHEMA
I regret asking.
NEWT
I thought I’d make us both breakfast.
ANATHEMA
That would be nice... It’s so weird. I’ve lived all my life according to Agnes’s prophecies. And now there aren’t any more prophecies. I can do whatever I like. I’m like a train that got to the end of the tracks and still has to keep on going.
NEWT
From now on, you’ll head into the future with everything coming as a surprise. Just like the rest of us.
ANATHEMA
It... it’s just odd. I feel a bit lost.
NEWT
It’s called being human. You’ll get used to it.
Newt heads for the door.
ANATHEMA
Witchfinder Private Not a Computer Engineer. Did we save the world yesterday?
NEWT
I don’t know.
ANATHEMA
You were a pretty good witchfinder, though. I mean, you found me, didn’t you?
And she settles back into the bed.
Anathema has come downstairs. Newt has finished opening the box that the thing was in. It’s an ancient metal box.
ANATHEMA
It’s from Agnes.
NEWT
Are you sure?
ANATHEMA
I recognise the style. Hello. I’m Anathema. Well... Let’s see what’s inside.
BADDICOMBE
We’ve had bets in the office...
ANATHEMA
Would you like to open it?
BADDICOMBE
I say. That would be something to tell my grandchildren.
He opens the box.
Anathema reaches into the box. There is a yellowing 350-year-old manuscript. And she reads the front page, in a handwriting we recognise.
ANATHEMA
Further Ni∫e and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Concerning the Worlde that Is To Com. Ye Saga Continue∫!
She looks at Newt and bites her lip. He looks at her.
EXT. TADFIELD HILLSIDE – DAY
Newt is at the top of a hill. He’s leaning in with a box of matches. Drops one towards us and a fire starts.
Pull back. A bonfire is burning in a small circle of stones. We’re on a hill outside Tadfield.
NEWT
Are you sure?
Anathema steps into shot.
ANATHEMA
Yes. I’m sure. I know what I’m doing. I just don’t like it.
NEWT
Technological marvels could be revealed.
ANATHEMA
You’d probably just break them.
She takes the manuscript, and picks up the title page, and is about to drop it into the fire. Then she hesitates.
NEWT
Think of it this way. Do you want to be a descendant all of your life?
And she drops the title page into the flames.
We look at it blackening, as another page joins it. And another.
A beautiful house — practically a mansion — in LA.
ANATHEMA, around ten years old, is sitting at the table. Her mother is bustling about, taking cookies out of the oven. On the table is a book. We look at the cover. It's the same copy of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies that Agnes had sent to her relatives, but 350 years older.
On the table is also a box of well-thumbed index cards. Anathema's mother takes out some cards, and turns one over. On it is a typed prophecy with handwritten notes.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
Prophecy 2214.
YOUNG ANATHEMA
This is boring.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
2214, sweet pea. And if you get it right, there's a cookie for you.
YOUNG ANATHEMA
In December 1980 an Apple will arise no man can eat. That one's stupid, mom. It doesn't mean anything. Why do I have to learn this stuff?
Her mother gives her a cookie.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
My mom bought 5000 shares in Apple in 1980, sweet pea. That's worth 40 million today. Okay. 2213? You remember that one?
YOUNG ANATHEMA
(reciting from memory)
Four shall ride, and Three shall ride the Sky as two, and One shall ride in flames; and there shall be no stopping them: not fish, nor rain, neither Deville nor Angel. And ye shall be there also, Anathema.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
See? She's got special plans for you, honey. Agnes gave us the easy job. We just had to keep everything good for the family. You're the one that's going to have to save the world.
YOUNG ANATHEMA
(disgusted)
And I have to do kissing.
(defensively)
It's in prophecy 1401. I'm not stupid.
INT. ANATHEMA'S LOS ANGELES HOME - DAY
TITLE CARD: TWO WEEKS AGO
Same place. It's eleven years since we first met Anathema. Her mother's waiting at the bottom of the stairs. Anathema comes downstairs carrying a small suitcase.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
You've packed everything you need?
ANATHEMA
Everything I could possibly need, Mom.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
You'll need Band-Aids. A theodolite...
ANATHEMA
I know the prophecies, Mom.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
Do you have a breadknife? Agnes is very clear on bringing the breadknife.
ANATHEMA
They have breadknives in England, Mom.
Her mother looks at her. Anathema takes a breadknife from the sideboard, and puts it into the only open box.
We can see that the room is filled with boxes. Anathema has written what they contain and where they go on the side:
Magazines (assorted). Books (witchcraft). Books (prophecy). Towels and bedlinens (to pink bedroom). Implements (magical) goes to downstairs study. And so on. There is even a nice old bicycle.
Anathema tapes the box closed, decisively.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
I'll probably never see you again, honey.
Anathema is about to argue with her.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER (CONT'D)
You know the prophecies as well as I do. Agnes is always very specific about family. Whether you succeed or fail, I won't see you again.
ANATHEMA
I won't fail, Mom.
ANATHEMA'S MOTHER
Make us proud of you, honey. Whatever the Beast is, I know you'll be a match for it. Just trust Agnes, and trust the book.
INT. HEATHREW AIRPORT IMMIGRATION - DAY
A bored IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL waves a family on and Anathema steps up.
IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL
AthanEema Device?
ANATHEMA
AnATHema. Old family name.
IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL
Purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom?
ANATHEMA
I'm commanded by an ancient family prophecy. I'm going to use all the witchcraft and wisdom at my disposal to hunt down the heart of darkness then do all I can to destroy it before it brings about the end of the world.
IMMIGRATION OFFICIAL
(tiny bit puzzled, 'did I just hear that?')
... I'm sorry?
ANATHEMA
Vacation.
She brings down the stamp.
EXT. TADFIELD - DAY
TITLE CARD: JASMINE COTTAGE, TADFIELD
TITLE CARD: THURSDAY
TITLE CARD: TWO DAYS TO THE END OF THE WORLD
A small moving van is parked outside Jasmine Cottage. A DRIVER is carrying in boxes of stuff from the van, with Anathema Device, mid twenties, sparky and funny and sensible. It is the most rustic and beautiful cottage that the location manager can find.
INT./EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE - DAY
She is thanking the driver, as he deposits the last box of stuff in her house... empty bookcases, barely furnished...
ANATHEMA
Just put it there. Thanks so much. Here you go.
She gives him money. He wishes he had a line here. He doesn't.
ANATHEMA (CONT'D)
What a gorgeous village. It's like it ought to be on a postcard. Thank you...
The driver goes away, thinking, all these years acting and I don't even get a line of dialogue. Anathema opens the box that she brought, and takes out...
A theodolite — an odd one, with crystals and runic carvings attached to it. A pendulum, a breadknife, the copy of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter we've already seen.
An ordnance survey map of Tadfield, which she pins to the wall, followed by a medieval woodcut-style illustration, cut from an old book, yellowing and scary, connected to the map with a strand of wool: it shows a demonic nightmarish monster, bigger than a house. And it is captioned, in old gothic lettering, Ye Adversarye, Destroyer of Kings, Angell of ye Bottomle∫∫ Pit, Prince of Thi∫∫e Worlde, & Lord of Darkne∫∫.
ANATHEMA (CONT'D)
Right. To work.
EXT. TADFIELD LANE – DAY
On a narrow lane in Tadfield, we see Anathema. She’s taking a siting down her theodolite, her bike propped up against a tree...
We move in on Anathema, who is now making notes on a map of the area on her iPad.
ANATHEMA
Eye of newt and tongue of dog, north by northwest... There. And it’s... southwest...
EXT. HOGBACK WOOD – DAY
Anathema wanders from the village green down the path to Hogback Wood. She’s alternately scribbling in a notebook and waving a pendulum above a map of the village, covered in marks and crosses. She’s depressed.
She sees the kids; they cheer her up a little. They wave.
Anathema marks off another square on her map.
Pepper and Wensleydale go past. Wensleydale is dressed as a witch. Or at least, he’s wearing a pointy black hat made of paper, and he is carrying a broom.
ANATHEMA
Hi guys.
PEPPER
Hi.
ANATHEMA
Nice hat.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, we made it out of cardboard. It’s for our game.
ANATHEMA
Stylish. What are you playing?
WENSLEYDALE
The British inquisition.
PEPPER
Come on, Wensleydale.
Anathema is amused enough that she is following.
Adam is wearing his dressing gown. Brian is a guard. Pepper is wrangling Wensleydale. Anathema looks at Adam.
ANATHEMA
Looks like fun. So, how does this game work?
ADAM
I am Chief Inquisitor of the British Inquisition. Brian is the head torturer. And we’re trying to find a witch.
ANATHEMA
That sounds... very sensible. How do you do that?
ADAM
Watch.
(to Wensleydale)
Art thou a witch? Olé?
WENSLEYDALE
Yes.
PEPPER
You can’t say yes. You’ve got to say no.
WENSLEYDALE
Then what?
ADAM
Then we torture you until you say yes.
ANATHEMA
You’re going to torture him?
ADAM
We’ve built a torturing machine.
He points to a tractor tyre hanging from some ropes, as a swing.
ANATHEMA
It looks like a swing.
Anathema is talking to Adam.
ANATHEMA
Hey. Kid. Can I ask you something?
ADAM
Yes.
ANATHEMA
Are there any... great beasts around here? Or strange things happening?
ADAM
There’s Dog. He’s a beast. Go on, Dog, shake hands.
Anathema looks at Adam’s cute dog, and smiles. Dog offers her its paw.
ANATHEMA
Not really what I was looking for.
ADAM
Hold on. I have to tell them what to do. All right, evil Witch Wensleydale, don’t do it again, and now you get off the torturing swing and let someone else have a turn.
Brian takes the pointy hat from Wensleydale and puts it on his own head as he gets into the swing.
Anathema grins at the display of sweetness in front of her.
ANATHEMA
You kids are hilarious. Okay. I’ll keep looking.
EXT. TADFIELD LANE – NIGHT
Anathema. She’s taking a siting down her theodolite, in the moonlight. She’s lit by moonlight and iPad.
GOD (V.O.)
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
ANATHEMA
Darksome night, / And shining Moon... Oh come on...
And a beautiful glow suffuses the lane. Anathema, semi-unconscious in the ditch, says:
ANATHEMA
How the hell did you do that?
Light vanishes. Aziraphale looks guilty. The Bentley front headlight that was out pings on, throwing some more light around.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
Oh... I think I hit my head.
Crowley has no interest in a young lady in a ditch. He is dealing with the important stuff: walking around the car magically repairing the scrape down its side, the dimple in the bumper.
Aziraphale puts his hand on Anathema’s arm, bent at a strange angle.
AZIRAPHALE
Up you get.
(meaningfully)
No bones broken.
The arm is now at a normal angle. Anathema gets up, a bit shakily.
ANATHEMA
My bicycle.
Aziraphale picks it up and wheels it over to her.
AZIRAPHALE
Amazingly resilient, these old machines.
And it’s as good as new. Or better. It has gears, for a start...
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
Where do you need to go?
CROWLEY
Not giving her a lift. Out of the question. Nowhere to put the bike.
AZIRAPHALE
Except the bike rack. Get in, my dear.
Crowley looks and is pained to see that a tartan luggage rack has appeared miraculously on the back of his perfect car.
Anathema is in the back seat, and Aziraphale, who has gathered up the spilled contents of the bike’s basket, dumps it all (including the BOOK) onto the back seat next to her. Then he hands her a slightly bent breadknife.
She holds it as a weapon.
They drive off, the bike miraculously fastened to the back of the car.
CROWLEY
So. Where are we taking you?
ANATHEMA
Back into the village. I’ll give you directions.
EXT. TADFIELD VILLAGE – NIGHT
ANATHEMA
Listen. My bike. It didn’t have gears. I know it didn’t have gears. Make a left.
CROWLEY
(sotto voce)
‘Oh Lord, heal this bike?’
AZIRAPHALE
I got carried away.
ANATHEMA
You can drop me off here.
The car stops outside Jasmine Cottage.
Aziraphale, beaming, helps Anathema out. She grabs her theodolite, basket, breadknife, etc. Gets out.
The Bike is already miraculously propped up against the garden gate. No gears.
AZIRAPHALE
Oh look. No gears. Just a perfectly normal velocipede.
CROWLEY
Bicycle. Can we get on? Get in, angel.
Anathema heads in to the house as the Bentley roars away.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE – NIGHT
Anathema is in her kitchen, drawing on her map. All her things are laid out around her on the table. She’s got the iPad in front of her. Taps her mother’s icon.
Her mother appears on the screen.
ANATHEMA’S MOTHER
Hi, hon. How’s it going?
ANATHEMA
Lousy, Mom. I just got hit by a car.
ANATHEMA’S MOTHER
Ow. Baby. Any progress in finding the... the whatever it is?
ANATHEMA
The ‘young beast and the lesser beast’? It must be at the north end of the village. I’m certain of it. I just can’t work out where.
ANATHEMA’S MOTHER
Have you used your pendulum?
ANATHEMA
Mom. I’m not a kid. Get too close, the signal swamps me. Further away, I can’t get an accurate fix.
She pours some coffee.
ANATHEMA’S MOTHER
The answers are always in the book, honey. It’s just sometimes you don’t see them until afterward.
ANATHEMA
I just have to think like a seventeenth-century witch with a mind like a crossword puzzle. Okay. I’ll go back to the book...
She looks down at the table, with the stuff she had in the bike basket on it. And she realises...
It’s not there.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
The book. Holy shit. Mom, I’ll have to call you back—
She turns off the iPad and runs out into the street...
EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE – NIGHT
Anathema stands, not knowing where Crowley and Aziraphale are. Or where her book is.
GOD (V.O.)
The trouble with trying to find a brown-covered book among brown leaves and brown water at the bottom of a ditch of brown earth in the middle of the night is that you can’t.
Anathema, with her torch and bike, staring at the ditch, the road, desperate to find the lost book. She is talking aloud to the book.
ANATHEMA
You have to be here. There is no way I’ve lost you. Agnes would have told me if I was going to lose you. She was always very clear on things concerning you. Oh god, I am talking to a book right now, I am talking to a book that isn’t even here.
There’s a beat. And then she breaks.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
Okay. You’re gone. I guess you must be in the back of the car with those... men. But that’s fine. I have the annotated notecards. And I know you by heart. So, I mean. I guess it’ll be okay.
(beat)
It’s not like they’re ever going to figure out what they’ve got.
EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE LANE – DAY
[Adam] stops. And he can hear something. It sounds like someone tearfully angry... And he sees this is JASMINE COTTAGE.
ADAM
Jasmine Cottage! Come on, Dog.
EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE – DAY
Anathema is sitting in the garden, furious with herself. She’s breaking a flowerpot.
ANATHEMA
So stupid. 350 years.
ADAM
Psst!
She looks up, puzzled to see Adam’s face upside down: he’s hanging from a tree, looking at her.
ADAM (CONT’D)
Did the witch catch you? Can I help you escape?
Anathema smiles, despite herself. She shakes her head.
ADAM (CONT’D)
But you were crying.
ANATHEMA
I know... Hello. You’re the kid from Hogback Wood, aren’t you? I’m okay. This sounds so dumb. I... lost a book. And it all got a bit much.
ADAM
I can help you look for it.
ANATHEMA
That’s sweet of you. It’s been in my family for a long time.
Adam clambers down from the tree.
ADAM
I wrote a book once. It was about this pirate who was a famous detective. I bet it was a lot more exciting than any book you’ve lost. Specially the bit in the spaceship where the dinosaur comes out and fights with the cowboys. I bet it’d cheer you up, my book. I’m Adam. I live in Hogback Lane.
ANATHEMA
Thank you, Adam. I’m Anathema.
(shakes her head)
Are you from here?
ADAM
Yup. This is my world. From Hogback Wood to the Dip and from the Old Quarry up to the pond.
ANATHEMA
You haven’t seen two men in a big black vintage car?
ADAM
Did they steal it? Professional book thieves, probably they go around in their car stealing books...
ANATHEMA
They didn’t mean to steal it. They were looking for the Manor, but I went up there and no one knows anything about them.
(remembering her manners)
Do you want some lemonade?
ADAM
Are we going to have to break into the cottage and battle the witch for it?
ANATHEMA
It’s my cottage. I’m renting it.
Adam looks her up and down. The penny drops...
ADAM
Look, ’scuse me for askin’, if it’s not a personal question, but... are you a witch?
ANATHEMA
No. I’m an occultist.
ADAM
Oh. That’s all right then.
They head in to get lemonade.
ANATHEMA
You’re thinking, nothing wrong with my eyes, aren’t you?
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE – DAY
Adam and Anathema are in her kitchen. She’s pouring them both lemonade.
ANATHEMA
All of my family have had occult powers, going all the way back. We can find ley lines.
ADAM
Right. What’s ley lines?
ANATHEMA
Invisible lines of force linking places of power.
ADAM
Amazin’, there bein’ all these invisible lines of force around and me not seeing ’em.
ANATHEMA
And we can see auras.
ADAM
And they are...?
ANATHEMA
A sort of coloured force field around someone. Everyone’s got one. I can look at its strength and colour and tell you how you’re feeling.
ADAM
That’s brilliant. Why don’t they teach us about them at school?
ANATHEMA
School is a repressive tool of the state.
ADAM
Oh. So what colour’s my aura then?
Anathema squints. We look at Adam in ANATHEMA VISION, but no aura manifests about him.
ANATHEMA
I... Adam, I can’t see your aura.
ADAM
You said everybody’s got one.
ANATHEMA
I don’t know, hon. It’s an art, not a science. You’re in great shape.
ADAM
So what else don’t they teach us at school?
A hasty montage, as Anathema starts to explain things to him, but we leave out all the explanations because we do not have time so we just fast forward through the conversation and cut in on significant words in her explanation. All the time she is talking, Adam is RAPT.
ANATHEMA
Clubbing baby seals. // they are cutting down the rainforests so you can get cheap hamburgers. // don’t get me started on global warming. // genetically modified food // whales have huge brains and we are hunting them for no reason// nuclear power stations...
And time is flowing again, as Adam interrupts her.
ADAM
Nuclear power stations are rubbish!
ANATHEMA
Yes! They are!
ADAM
We went to see one on a school trip. Nothing was bubbling and there wasn’t any green smoke and there weren’t anyone wearing those space suits. It was so dull.
ANATHEMA
Well, yes. But we need to get rid of them.
ADAM
Serve them right for not bubbling.
Anathema notices the time...
ANATHEMA
Adam, I have to get back to work. But if you’re interested in any of this stuff, I’ve got some old magazines here. I mean, you don’t have to read them...
She looks around, finds the stack of New Aquarian magazines. One step up from fanzines, the covers have things like CHARLES… FORT, GENIUS OF THE UNEXPLAINED and THE MYSTERIES OF THE TIBETAN SECRET MASTERS and WHERE IS LOST ATLANTIS? on them.
ADAM
Wicked!
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE BEDROOM – DAY
Anathema’s bedroom: the walls are covered with paper notes, and these are connected to a map of the area by wool and thumbtacks. There are magical symbols, notes and all sorts.
The map is Tadfield and surrounding area.
EXT. TADFELD VILLAGE GREEN – DAY
Anathema is walking through the village green, holding a map. She’s looking at the map. Crossing off sections. She has a small pendulum which she’s holding above the map — it seems to be swinging oddly.
We can see a few cheerful village types — A MILKMAN, a COURTING COUPLE, an OLD LADY AND HER GRANDSON. She smiles and nods at them.
Then we see them for a moment in ANATHEMA VISION: each of the people has an aura, a human-shaped coloured glow, around them. The milkman is violet, the courting couple both blue, the old lady green, and her grandson yellow.
R.P. TYLER and his dog SHUTZI go past. His aura is an angry red.
Anathema blinks and normal vision returns.
TYLER
R. P. Tyler. Neighbourhood watch. I couldn’t help but notice, young person, that you have a map. Casing the joint, are we?
ANATHEMA
What?
TYLER
We don’t need your kind here.
ANATHEMA
I’m renting Jasmine Cottage.
TYLER
Oh good lord, you’re an American tourist. Sorry. Thought you were a person of interest.
ANATHEMA
I am. Listen. Eleven years ago, something came to this village. Some kind of beast, or creature. If you’re neighbourhood watch, maybe you noticed.
TYLER
Tadfield is a perfectly respectable village. If you’re going to come here and smoke your fatty spliffers and bimble off to woo-woo land, I suggest you do it elsewhere. Like back in America.
ANATHEMA
Fatty spliffers?
But he has stomped off.
EXT. ANATHEMA’S COTTAGE – DAY
Adam, with the Them behind him, knocking on Anathema’s door.
Anathema opens the door. We can hear Radio Four playing in the background. She looks like she hasn’t slept for a day or two.
She looks down. It’s the kids. She smiles.
ANATHEMA
Hello, Adam.
ADAM
These’re my friends. Pepper and Brian and Wensleydale.
ANATHEMA
Um. Hello.
Adam nods.
ADAM
Have you got any more of the New Aquariums? Cos, we need to know everything.
ANATHEMA
You read the ones I gave you already?
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
Um. Sure. Hold on. Would you like candy? It’s carob, not chocolate, and—
BRIAN
We don’t take sweets from—
PEPPER
Witches.
WENSLEYDALE
I do.
He takes a sweet. The other kids look at each other. They shrug. Then they put out their hands.
As Anathema gives them the carob sweets, we move over to the radio.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, KITCHEN – DAY
Anathema’s phone alarm goes BING. She looks down at the reminder, checks a note card, then goes into the bathroom.
She comes back with bandages, a first-aid kit, and a bottle of aspirin. She lays them out on the table in an orderly fashion.
EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE – DAY
The Them are manhandling the semi-unconscious Newt up the garden path... Anathema comes out to watch them.
ADAM
Anathema! We found a man! He was in a car accident!
ANATHEMA
I know. Bring him inside.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE KITCHEN – DAY
Anathema picks up her first-aid kit. Pepper looks at Anathema, with all the bandages etc. laid out all ready. Pepper puts her head on one side. Dog is hanging around.
PEPPER
It’s almost like you were expecting him.
ANATHEMA
I was. But I was hoping he’d be a bit more...
PEPPER
Hunky?
ANATHEMA
I think that’s a bit sexist.
PEPPER
It’s not sexist to describe our male oppressors as hunky... My mum says.
ANATHEMA
I was hoping he wouldn’t come. If he didn’t turn up... maybe none of it was real. But if he’s here, then the Beast is real.
PEPPER
You mean Dog?
Anathema shakes her head and scratches Dog’s ears. The boys come back...
BRIAN
He’s asleep, Anathema.
Adam is looking around as if he can hear something. Anathema has some of her workings on the wall of the kitchen, and Adam finds himself staring at the picture of the Great Beast, the Antichrist, a demonic monster on Anathema’s notice board.
ANATHEMA
He won’t wake up for half an hour. Would you kids like some sandwiches?
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, BEDROOM
Anathema steps into the bedroom, with a small tray, on it a glass of water and some aspirin, and checks the clock. Looks down at Newt and shakes her head a little. She’d been hoping for something better. She’s also counting down...
Newt is unconscious on the bed. He opens his eyes, groggily. NEWT’s POV – the room slides into focus. And there seems to be someone at the end of the bed.
ANATHEMA
How are we feeling?
Newt looks around the room, puzzled and dazed.
NEWT
Is my car all right?
ANATHEMA
Apparently. You banged your head. Nothing broken, though.
NEWT
I swerved to avoid Tibetans in the road. At least, I think I did. I’ve probably gone mad.
ANATHEMA
If you have, no one’s going to notice. You’re twenty minutes late.
Newt raises his head, puzzled, then falls unconscious again. Anathema shrugs.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, BEDROOM – DAY
Newt opens his eyes. He rubs his head. Everything hurts. His shoes have been taken off...
At the foot of the bed is Anathema. She holds up his wallet and his witchfinding kit. Opens a card...
ANATHEMA
You are Witchfinder Private Newton Pulsifer. Apparently all magistrates are enjoined to give you as much dry kindling as you need to burn any witches, hags or beldames you discover.
NEWT
I’m not actually a real witchfinder. There aren’t really any witches. I’m really... I’m a computer engineer. I just needed something to get me out of the house.
ANATHEMA
I’m Anathema Device. I’m really a witch. And here, you should read this. It will save time.
The storm is rising outside the cottage. Rain lashes the windows. Newt is looking at a card. We can see it has a prophecy typed up on it, and then notes in various hands annotating it. (See the book for examples.) Anathema has put all the cards, in a card-box, on the bed.
NEWT
(reading)
‘When Robin’s blue chariot inverted be, three wheels in the skye, a man with bruises be upon thy bed, achinge his head for willow fine...’
ANATHEMA
That’s you. Your car crash. And the aspirin. Have you ever heard of Agnes Nutter?
NEWT
I’m afraid not.
ANATHEMA
She was an ancestress of mine. One of your ancestors burned her at the stake. Or tried to.
NEWT
Ancestors?
ANATHEMA
Thou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery Pulsifer. It was a religious family. Ten children, named after the ten commandments. Covetousness Pulsifer, False-Witness Pulsifer...
NEWT
If I was called Adultery Pulsifer, I think I’d want to hurt as many people as possible.
ANATHEMA
I think he just didn’t like women. Your family obviously has a tendency to burn mine. I took your matches...
NEWT
I’m not going to burn anybody!
ANATHEMA
I know. Agnes would have warned us if you were. She wrote all of these prophecies in a book, published in 1655.
NEWT
She knew I was going to crash my car?
ANATHEMA
Yes. No. Well, yes. My family has been figuring out Agnes’s Nice and Accurate Prophecies for four hundred years now. You could say we’re professional descendants.
NEWT
So how many prophecies are there?
Anathema points to the card box.
ANATHEMA
Several thousand. It averages out at about one prophecy a month – more now, in fact, as we get closer to the end of the world.
NEWT
And when is that meant to be?
Anathema looks over at the clock. Newt catches her glance.
NEWT (CONT'D)
Oh, come on! The world isn't really going to end today.
ANATHEMA
The end of the world starts here in Tadfield. This afternoon. According to Agnes. I just can't find it.
NEWT
It?
ANATHEMA
The Antichrist. The Great Beast. I've been searching for it. It's impossible to find.
She hands him a card.
NEWT
Where the Hogge's back ends the Young beast will take the world and Adams's line will end in Fire and Darkness... Hogge's back... Hang on. Hog's Back Lane... Adam Young?
Anathema looks at him like she's been hit.
ANATHEMA
What did you say?
NEWT
Adam Young. He lives at 4, Hogback Lane.
ANATHEMA
How did you...? I should have... I didn't see that...
(to Newt)
Adam. That's crazy... He's so sweet... He and his friends carried you here. He's the sweetest kid in the village. He's not the Beast at the end of the world...
NEWT
Um. Why ‘Nice and Accurate’ prophecies? They don’t seem very nice to me.
ANATHEMA
Nice as in exact or precise.
NEWT
Ah. Look, I don’t think the world is really going to end. Why don’t we, um. Go for a walk, and get to know each other.
ANATHEMA
I’m psychic. Trust me. It’s true. But I don’t get it. There isn’t any evil here. Something loves this place, so powerfully that it shields and protects it. How can anything bad start here? But this is where it starts.
NEWT
Okay. So we find this Adam. And then what do we do?
ANATHEMA
Stop him. He’s bringing Armageddon.
NEWT
So we... ask him nicely to stop?
ANATHEMA
I don’t know. Agnes doesn’t say. She goes off on stuff about you and me.
NEWT
Like what?
ANATHEMA
Stupid stuff. You don’t want to know. Hogback Lane isn’t far from here...
Newt hesitates, then puts on his Witchfinder Army jacket.
NEWT
You don’t get tornadoes in England.
ANATHEMA
Prophecy 691. We do today. The wind should drop in a few seconds, then redouble. We’ll have less than a minute to get inside the house and under cover before it starts again. Got it?
NEWT
I don’t bel— yeah, got it.
The wind drops. Anathema catches Newt. They hurtle into the house and slam the door behind them.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, BEDROOM – DAY
Newt is in a post-coital rosy glow, in bed. Newt has a soppy smile on his face. Anathema is getting dressed.
The storm has abated a little...
NEWT
That was. I mean. That was. You were...
ANATHEMA
The earth moved for everybody, then.
NEWT
Yes. You know... I’d never actually, that was my first time...
ANATHEMA
I’d never have known.
But she says it nicely.
NEWT
So. Um. Seeing the world’s ending... Can we do it again?
ANATHEMA
We don’t have time. The storm’s dying down. We have to get going. And Agnes said we only did it this once.
NEWT
She never. She bloody... you can’t tell me she predicted that.
Anathema looks down. Cards blew all over the room earlier, but the right card is sitting waiting for her now. She picks it up and tosses it to him. Then she starts picking up the cards...
Newt reads it.
NEWT (CONT’D)
(reading)
‘You go, boy! May fortune be with you!’ ‘Anathema, my descendent, I trust he will be fine of feature and manly of—’ oh my dear lord.
ANATHEMA
Get dressed.
She starts to pick up the cards. He starts pulling on his clothes.
NEWT
We need to visit Adam Young. And stop him.
ANATHEMA
I’m not sure about that any more. Agnes doesn’t tell us to. If there’s a card with instructions, I don’t know which it is.
NEWT
What do you mean, ‘Agnes doesn’t tell us to’? Don’t you ever just do things? To see how they’ll turn out?
ANATHEMA
Not important things, no. And we now have maybe an hour to go until there’s nothing anyone can do. I’m not going to waste a second of it. Come on.
And Newt looks somehow cockier. He’s growing up. He tosses a balled-up sock into the air and catches it.
NEWT
You can’t let a 400-year-old witch tell you what to do.
ANATHEMA
I’ve spent my life trying to figure out what she wanted me to do. She’s never failed me. Sometimes I fail her. And... I can’t kill an eleven-year-old boy.
NEWT
Not even to save the world?
Anathema shakes her head ruefully.
INT. JASMINE COTTAGE – RED SKY, DAY
Anathema is in the kitchen. She’s putting together a basket of things they might need to save the world, including her cards and the breadknife.
Newt comes running in...
NEWT
I’ve got it.
ANATHEMA
Oh yes?
NEWT
If Agnes tells you what to do... and we have to get this right... then you need to just pick a card. Any card.
ANATHEMA
Don’t be silly.
NEWT
I’m not. I’ve had a good idea for the first time in my whole life.
ANATHEMA
I’m not following you.
NEWT
Well, if Agnes is right, and we’re doing all this because she’s predicted it, then any card picked right now has got to be the relevant one. That’s logic.
ANATHEMA
It’s nonsense.
NEWT
You’re here because Agnes predicted it. You say I’m here because she predicted it. Pick a card. Any card.
Anathema gives him a look. She knows this is crazy, but...
NEWT (CONT’D)
‘When the skies are crimson seen...’ – well, she got that bit right – ‘... then ye both must stand between the world of life and the world of war, where the iron bird lands no more.’ See?
ANATHEMA
It could be talking about us. The iron bird lands no more...
NEWT
I guess an iron bird could be a plane. But where don’t they land?
ANATHEMA
There’s an American airforce base outside of town. They don’t land planes there any more. I met some of the guys who work there in the village pub. But why would we go there? All they’ve got left in there is communications technology. Computers and stuff. Nothing explosive at all...
(and then she realises what she’s said)
Oh my god.
EXT. TADFIELD STREETS – DAY
Newt and Anathema are driving in Dick Turpin, Newt’s battered little car. Anathema has her arms full of the cards with the prophecies on them, and she’s been putting them into order. There is storm damage everywhere as they go.
We linger for a moment on the last prophecy of all, 5004: ‘When alle is ∫ayed and all is done, ye must choo∫e your faces wiseley, for soon enouff ye will be playing with Fyre.’
Handwritten notes around it say things like ‘1976 – Could this be a reference to the oil crisis?’
ANATHEMA
... 5003, 5004, and here’s 1011 goes in there and we’re done... Left here.
Newt is cockier, more adult, than before.
NEWT
Do you think that a witch who died 400 years ago actually predicted how we were going to break into an American airbase without being killed?
ANATHEMA
Yup.
They pass the signpost to the airbase.
NEWT
Are you sure? Because they have serious people with extremely big guns guarding these places, and if we don’t get shot trying to break in we’ll spend the last minutes before the world ends in a little room without windows and—
ANATHEMA
I think you’re getting yourself overexcited.
NEWT
I’m not. I’m getting quite calmly worried about being shot and then put in a cell and waterboarded and shot again...
They are at the front of the airbase.
ANATHEMA
‘Behind the Eagle’s Nest a grate ash hath fallen.’
NEWT
That’s all?
ANATHEMA
You know, most of my family thought it was something to do with the Russian Revolution. Go straight on, then turn right at the next road.
(beat)
And don’t worry. Agnes would definitely have told me if someone was going to shoot you.
EXT. LANE BEHIND AIRBASE – DAY
Newt and Anathema pull up in the car. The high, barbed wire, PLEASE KEEP OUT fence has been knocked down by a fallen tree.
NEWT
‘Behind the Eagle’s Nest a grate Ash hath fallen.’ She’s on the money there.
They get out of the car. Anathema is getting witchier. It’s something intangible, helped by hair, make-up and costume: she’s more occult than she’s ever been.
Newt pats his car.
NEWT (CONT’D)
Nice going, Dick Turpin.
ANATHEMA
You really do call your car Dick Turpin?
NEWT
Yes!
ANATHEMA
I bet you’re hoping one day someone’s going to ask you why.
NEWT
Um. Maybe.
ANATHEMA
Right.
She walks over the fallen fence.
NEWT
It can’t be that easy. It really can’t. There’s going to be cameras and guards and...
Anathema points to the camera, crushed by the fallen tree. They walk over the fallen fence. Anathema looks up at the buildings of the airbase: she’s caught the psychic scent of the Horsemen.
NEWT (CONT’D)
Where are we going?
ANATHEMA
There.
NEWT
How do you know?
ANATHEMA
(witchy but certain)
Everything in my life. Everything that Agnes wrote down in the book 400 years ago. Everything... it was all leading me here. Now. With you.
(beat)
I KNOW.
NEWT
And we’re going to stop them, how exactly?
But Anathema is already running towards the communication centre.
ANATHEMA
Oh! Come on!
EXT. AIRBASE – DAY
Newt and Anathema are running through the airbase. They aren’t being shot, because all the soldiers they pass are fast asleep.
NEWT
Where exactly are we going?
ANATHEMA
Sshh.
Ahead of them, a door opens. The Four Horsemen come out.
ANATHEMA VISION: we see the Horsemen through Anathema’s eyes, and their auras are black, purple, pulsing things, like migraines onscreen.
Anathema screws up her eyes, puts her hand up to shield them, as if looking at the Horsemen hurts her eyes.
Newt pulls her back against the building to avoid being seen. Anathema points to the open door the Horsemen came through.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
In there.
Newt looks puzzled.
NEWT
Really?
Anathema is certain.
They go inside.
INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
Newt and Anathema look around at the screens and the room, at the unconscious workers.
NEWT
Those people. Do you think they were terrorists?
ANATHEMA
In a very nice and accurate way. Yes. You should have seen their auras.
NEWT
Was there a problem with them?
ANATHEMA
Negative auras. Like black holes. I don’t think they were entirely human.
There are SCREENS with upset people on them, mouthing silently.
NEWT
If only we knew what they were saying.
Anathema picks up a remote control and turns the volume up.
ANATHEMA
We’re at war. Everyone’s at war. But we have to be able to do something.
NEWT
We aren’t in a movie. There’s no handy red wire to cut to make the countdown stop. And there isn’t even a proper countdown...
ANATHEMA
You’re a computer engineer. These are computers. Make them stop.
NEWT
It doesn’t work like that!
ANATHEMA
Agnes. You got any ideas?
She grabs a card randomly.
NEWT
You can’t shut down twenty-first century technology with a seventeenth-century random prediction.
ANATHEMA
‘He is not what he says he is.’ Agnes, you aren’t trying. What does that even mean?
Newt looks guilty.
NEWT
I don’t know.
ANATHEMA
What? Tell me!
NEWT
I think it’s about me.
Anathema looks at him and makes a ‘we don’t have much time – go on?’ gesture.
NEWT (CONT’D)
I’m... not really a computer engineer. I want to be. I’m actually just...
ANATHEMA
Just what?
NEWT
Just the opposite. I’m rubbish with computers. When I try and make them work, they break. I’m sorry. We’re doomed.
Anathema stops and thinks. Then she grins.
ANATHEMA
We’re idiots. Look. Repair it.
NEWT
What?
ANATHEMA
Get this computer room working better. Right now. You say every computer you try and fix dies. So fix it.
NEWT
And speed up nuclear armageddon?
ANATHEMA
Could you? Speed it up?
ANATHEMA
You! You were the men in the car. You stole my book.
CROWLEY
Book girl! Catch!
Crowley tosses her the charcoal remnants of Agnes’s book. A much-burned page flutters out as the book is tossed, and blows over to Aziraphale, who catches it, and glances down at it.
The fragment says: When alle is ∫ayed and all is done, ye must choo∫e your faces wiseley, for soon enouff ye will be playing with Fyre.
ANATHEMA
What’s going on out here?
CROWLEY
Long story. No time.
ANATHEMA
Try me.
Aziraphale pockets the fragment, and steps forward.
AZIRAPHALE
Ah, okay, so, in the beginning, in the Garden, there was, well, he was a wily old serpent and I was technically on apple tree duty...
Crowley touches his finger to his lips. Aziraphale shuts up. Anathema sees Adam.
ANATHEMA
Hi, Adam. Hi, Pepper. Hi, you two.
ADAM
Hello, Anathema. You just stopped them blowing up the world, didn’t you?
ANATHEMA
I guess. My boyfriend here did the tricky bit.
Newt starts to make a self-deprecating shrug, then realises what she just said.
NEWT
Boyfriend?
NEWT
Perhaps it’s a volcano.
ANATHEMA
There aren’t any volcanoes in England. It’s really angry, whatever it is. I can feel it... it’s getting closer...
NEWT
Good morning.
ANATHEMA
Good morning. I’m going to regret asking this, but... I’m going to ask. Why is your car called Dick Turpin?
NEWT
Dick Turpin was a famous highwayman. It’s a sort of joke.
ANATHEMA
Yes?
NEWT
It’s called Dick Turpin because everywhere it goes it holds up traffic.
ANATHEMA
I regret asking.
NEWT
I thought I’d make us both breakfast.
ANATHEMA
That would be nice... It’s so weird. I’ve lived all my life according to Agnes’s prophecies. And now there aren’t any more prophecies. I can do whatever I like. I’m like a train that got to the end of the tracks and still has to keep on going.
NEWT
From now on, you’ll head into the future with everything coming as a surprise. Just like the rest of us.
ANATHEMA
It... it’s just odd. I feel a bit lost.
NEWT
It’s called being human. You’ll get used to it.
Newt heads for the door.
ANATHEMA
Witchfinder Private Not a Computer Engineer. Did we save the world yesterday?
NEWT
I don’t know.
ANATHEMA
You were a pretty good witchfinder, though. I mean, you found me, didn’t you?
And she settles back into the bed.
Anathema has come downstairs. Newt has finished opening the box that the thing was in. It’s an ancient metal box.
ANATHEMA
It’s from Agnes.
NEWT
Are you sure?
ANATHEMA
I recognise the style. Hello. I’m Anathema. Well... Let’s see what’s inside.
BADDICOMBE
We’ve had bets in the office...
ANATHEMA
Would you like to open it?
BADDICOMBE
I say. That would be something to tell my grandchildren.
He opens the box.
Anathema reaches into the box. There is a yellowing 350-year-old manuscript. And she reads the front page, in a handwriting we recognise.
ANATHEMA
Further Ni∫e and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Concerning the Worlde that Is To Com. Ye Saga Continue∫!
She looks at Newt and bites her lip. He looks at her.
EXT. TADFIELD HILLSIDE – DAY
Newt is at the top of a hill. He’s leaning in with a box of matches. Drops one towards us and a fire starts.
Pull back. A bonfire is burning in a small circle of stones. We’re on a hill outside Tadfield.
NEWT
Are you sure?
Anathema steps into shot.
ANATHEMA
Yes. I’m sure. I know what I’m doing. I just don’t like it.
NEWT
Technological marvels could be revealed.
ANATHEMA
You’d probably just break them.
She takes the manuscript, and picks up the title page, and is about to drop it into the fire. Then she hesitates.
NEWT
Think of it this way. Do you want to be a descendant all of your life?
And she drops the title page into the flames.
We look at it blackening, as another page joins it. And another.